Presenting the Amazing Magazivo!
By Jay Pfeifer
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SAD to say, magazines just aren’t
what they used to be. If you’re
not slogging through a jungle of
advertorials in search of genuine,
independent content, you’re
stooping to pick up the subscription
cards that litter your floor.
Reading magazines is almost
more trouble than it’s worth.
But relief is in sight! Personal
video recorders (think TiVo) have
given viewers control of their
sets. And now, it’s the magazine
reader’s turn. Thanks to the evolutionary,
revolutionary, retributionary
Magazivo, you, too, can
regain control of your magazines.
The Magazivo is a magical, marvelous,
multi-functional device
that does it all for you. Here are
its fantastic features: 1. Dis-Card You’ll never have to bend over to pick up a subscription offer again. The Magazivo automatically plucks all blow-in cards from the magazine before you ever open it. And as an added bonus, the Magazivo flash-incinerates the cards, leaving only a fine white ash behind—perfect to fertilize your garden. 2. Swag Frag Everybody likes to get something for free, right? But magazines give you more than you want. Whether it’s compact discs soft-glued to the cover or perfume strips that leave you in a scented haze, the Magazivo removes them for you. For your convenience, the Magazivo doesn’t destroy these giveaways—it adapts them. Old perfume strips make great air fresheners for your car. As for those CDs, wait for a couple of special issues and you’ll have a new set of coasters! 3. Synergex The Magazivo removes all crosspromotion by detecting any hint of corporate synergy. See that “Two Towers” cover story on Time? No wonder, Time Warner owns both the movie and the magazine. Well, you won’t see it anymore! The Magazivo filters out all undue corporate influence. 4. Advertorinator The Magazivo does more than just cancel cross-promotion, however. Don’t want to read about the economic boom in Ecuador? What about vacation possibilities in Jamaica? The Magazivo easily removes the lengthy advertorials that clog today’s magazines. Search and destroy, Magazivo! 5. Blurb Buster Let the Magazivo put an end to those cover-blurb dead-ends. No more getting suckered in by promises that magazines don’t keep. If the story doesn’t live up to the hype, it’s hasta la vista, baby—the offending text is vaporized. 6. Stable Table We at Magazivo, Inc. don’t agree with everything Oprah does (frankly, the book list just scares us) but she does get one thing right with her magazine: she puts the table of contents where it belongs—right up front. Now, no more flipping through dozens of pages to find the most useful page of the entire magazine—the Magazivo cues up the contents. 7. ZeitHeist With Magazivo’s patented celebrity-removal feature, you can program the machine to edit all references to celebrities du jour. Don’t ever want to read about Rosie O’Donnell, Ben Affleck or Paris Hilton again? A quick hit of the “Z” button and they’re gone. Set it and forget it. It’s just that easy! 8. Jump Cut When the magazine says, “Jump,” you no longer have to say, “How far?” Thanks to the Magazivo, you’ll never read the first 200 words of a story then have to turn to page 468 to read the last 2,000. The Magazivo cuts and pastes the pages together.
9. Page Protect
And that’s not all! In today’s
world, the simple act of reading a
magazine can be a grave threat
to your health and the well-being
of your loved ones. Each page is
a bacteria-laden razor just waiting
for one false move. Just think: The
spring fashion issue of Vogue
represents more than 230
chances for injury and potential
infection. The
Magazivo is here to
help. The device will blunt
each page edge for you, to
remove any chance of a
paper cut. The Magazivo is
more than just a convenience. It
could save your life. |
